This may be a depressing title, but lately it seems to be the word that runs through my head.
My whole life, being the youngest child I felt the need to live up to my older siblings who are, in my opinion, some of the most intelligent people I know. I never was the academic one in my family when I was in high school. This doesn't mean I wasn't smart by usual definition of smart--I got almost all A's, I wrote well, attended class. However, I always seemed to be one step behind how intelligent my brother and sister were. They got straight A's, had amazing writing, topped the charts in academic testing scores and left me in the dust with their gpa. I did graduate in the top 10% of my class, got into National Honor's Society, got into a good public school (my siblings both went to private schools), and was happy with my choices.
Now that I am in college, I have, for the most part stopped comparing myself academically to my siblings. I am majoring in social work, while they majored in English--something completely different from them. I can't compare myself to them in that way, but I seem to find things to compare. For example, there is no question in my mind that I will go on to graduate school. Of course I want to go to gradate school, but also in the back of my mind is the fact that my sister went and got her master's and my brother is in law school--and with just a bachelor's degree, I would, once again find myself feeling inadequate.
Lately, Matt, my boyfriend has brought about feelings of inadequacy. Before you think, wow...she's embarassed of him--read on. Matt is an amazingly funny, kind, caring, hardworking, loving person. I am proud to have him has my boyfriend. However, my parents don't understand why I haven't had them meet him. Here's the deal--I had a conversation with my mom early in my relationship where she compared him with my sister's ex-husband, telling me why she liked her ex-husband and asked me what was so great about Matt. This was one of the most degrading conversations I've ever had with my mother. I tried to brush it off, but it always remained there. Oh, I forgot to say that Matt didn't go to college. Matt chose to work right out of college. They seem to look over the fact that he's the assistant grocery manager at CUB, something he's very proud of and has worked very hard for. This means nothing to them. Then, my brother gets this girlfriend--I am happy for him, but the first thing I think is, great...she's going to be great, and smart, and put me to shame in my relationship. Sure enough, she's 21 and in law school already. And so, the feelings of inadequacy continue.
I don't write this to sound like I resent my siblings or my parents. I am not holding anyone accountable for these feelings but myself. I still hold onto the hope that when my parents meet Matt they will understand why I love him and why I am with him. I don't plan on living my life in complete inadequacy...until then, I'll just have to deal
