so yeah...i didn't fill you in ever

So, it's fricken 4 months later and I'm sitting in my apartment back in Winona. Holy crap!!! I can't comprehend that it's already time to start school. I am sad that summer is done. I am so sad. Not because this was an amazing summer....just because I don't want to start school again. Summer was pretty great though. I work 40 hours/week (most weeks with overtime) and finally got the frozen/dairy department back into shape! I know that doesn't sound too exciting to others--but to me it was a huge accomplishment. I guess it was about time to head back to school so I could let the guys mess it up again!
I broke up with Matt the day before my 21st birthday....it was my idea, but still hurt a lot. I was really sad to lose the friendship with him. He won't talk to me/look at me or anything and that's tough. I had some random hook ups with guys and a few rejections from guys. I became even better friends with Sally and now consider her my bff.
As of now, I am looking at Winona this year as a last shot to get through this time in my life. I am glad I am away from all the guy problems I had. After all...Winona State basically has about 12 guys that go here! :)
I should probably lay off on the drinking. Near the end of the summer I basically hit the bottle/bars hard! The pocket book and the energy level was feeling it. I was trying to get it out of my system before I came back to Winona and back to schoolness.
Speaking of which, I should probably figure out what to do with the next few hours of the day before I have class at 3.
I'm going to try and update more!

almost done....

last day of classes today!! I'm so excited for summer...I can hardly stand it. :) I have decided this is going to be the best summer ever! I'll fill you in about it later....

what a crazy life lately

So, I am still trying to update this on a regular basis however, if you have had any communication with me in the past 2 weeks, you will know that updating my blog has been the least of my worries.
The big news is that my huge paper for hb/se is DONE! Yup, all 31 pages of it is completed and done and I feel so happy and as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Let's see...what else. I went home last weekend for Easter--we had a 3 day weekend, so I worked Thursday, Friday and Saturday, which should help give me some decent money to pay for all the gas I had to pay to get back. I'm going home this weekend because it is the Mankato Figureskating Club's annual iceshow and I promised them I would go to the show. I have to support my old club and see what they have been up to. It's always fun to watch the show, although way different, than to be in it. It sucks that gas is so dang expensive (as of last night $2.74/gal) because when gas was $2.69/gal it cost $20 one way for me to go home! At least it's almost summer!
Speaking of which...it's almost summer!!! 16 days from now, I am moving home! I never thought this day would come. The semester flew by, and dragged along all at the same time. I just can't wait until I can sit around and do nothing and not feel too guilty about it! Granted, once summer gets around I'll be working 40 hrs/week, volunteering, and hopefully working out at the Y where I'm getting a membership for the summer. :)
Oh, and if you wanted to know, I am continuing to lose weight and work out 6 times a week. I feel great about myself and how I look even though I still have about 15 more pounds I would ultimately like to lose. But I only have 5 pounds left to get to my b-day goal! So, I hope I can keep it up this summer.
Well, I don't have much more to say as of now. I know that I could probably write a bunch more about what is going on, but I just don't have the time....so, this is what ya get! :)

my life of inadequacy

This may be a depressing title, but lately it seems to be the word that runs through my head.
My whole life, being the youngest child I felt the need to live up to my older siblings who are, in my opinion, some of the most intelligent people I know. I never was the academic one in my family when I was in high school. This doesn't mean I wasn't smart by usual definition of smart--I got almost all A's, I wrote well, attended class. However, I always seemed to be one step behind how intelligent my brother and sister were. They got straight A's, had amazing writing, topped the charts in academic testing scores and left me in the dust with their gpa. I did graduate in the top 10% of my class, got into National Honor's Society, got into a good public school (my siblings both went to private schools), and was happy with my choices.
Now that I am in college, I have, for the most part stopped comparing myself academically to my siblings. I am majoring in social work, while they majored in English--something completely different from them. I can't compare myself to them in that way, but I seem to find things to compare. For example, there is no question in my mind that I will go on to graduate school. Of course I want to go to gradate school, but also in the back of my mind is the fact that my sister went and got her master's and my brother is in law school--and with just a bachelor's degree, I would, once again find myself feeling inadequate.
Lately, Matt, my boyfriend has brought about feelings of inadequacy. Before you think, wow...she's embarassed of him--read on. Matt is an amazingly funny, kind, caring, hardworking, loving person. I am proud to have him has my boyfriend. However, my parents don't understand why I haven't had them meet him. Here's the deal--I had a conversation with my mom early in my relationship where she compared him with my sister's ex-husband, telling me why she liked her ex-husband and asked me what was so great about Matt. This was one of the most degrading conversations I've ever had with my mother. I tried to brush it off, but it always remained there. Oh, I forgot to say that Matt didn't go to college. Matt chose to work right out of college. They seem to look over the fact that he's the assistant grocery manager at CUB, something he's very proud of and has worked very hard for. This means nothing to them. Then, my brother gets this girlfriend--I am happy for him, but the first thing I think is, great...she's going to be great, and smart, and put me to shame in my relationship. Sure enough, she's 21 and in law school already. And so, the feelings of inadequacy continue.
I don't write this to sound like I resent my siblings or my parents. I am not holding anyone accountable for these feelings but myself. I still hold onto the hope that when my parents meet Matt they will understand why I love him and why I am with him. I don't plan on living my life in complete inadequacy...until then, I'll just have to deal

Is it Friday yet?

Well, I am sitting in the library and I know I should be doing homework right now--but as you can see, I'm not. I'm sitting here trying to think of anything and everything I can do to delay homework.
This week has flown by. You may think that is a good thing. I know better. I had a very ambitious "to do" list this week, and as of now, I only have 1 thing crossed off of it--and it's Thursday! I guess this means that I will have to just buckle down and actually do homework when I am in Mankato this weekend. It's really hard for me to do sometimes, because all I want to do when I am home is pretend it's summer and I have no worries. Thankfully, summer is almost here, and I am almost free from this hell called school.
Wendy, Kari and I had a marathon workout session yesterday. We walked to the small lake, ran around the small lake, walked to Maxwell, lifted weights in Maxwell, walked back to the apartment, did tae bo abs, and then collapsed from our 2 hour workout! But boy did I feel good!
Well, time for some lunch!

I can cry if I want to

Well, I can't remember how long it's been since I posted...too long I guess. I just wanted to write in here quick because I'm feeling down and need to write why life sucks. I hate change. If you know me at all, you will know that I am the first to cry when I leave some place or have to change something in my life. Matt and I were talking tonight and he was like, that's how life is--and I know that. But that doesn't mean it doesn't suck.
My brother was here for the night and oh man...it was so hard to say goodbye this morning, not knowing when I'll see him again. I guess I just feel things so intensely that I can't help but be sad when I know that things are not the way the used to be.
When I left Boston, I cried when I said goodbye to my nephew and when I said goodbye to my sister. I cry every weekend when I have to leave Matt and my parents. I don't think this makes me weak, or lame. I think so many people laugh at me because I am like this. My grandma always asks my mom "did Renata cry this time?" I think that's crap. It's my life and I can cry if I want to dammit!
So, the moral of this post is...never underestimate the value of a good cry, change sucks, and summer needs to be here NOW!

could i BE any more stressed out?

Well, I'm going to make this short and sweet, but I thought I would update a little bit about how out of hand my life is. This week is so fricken insane with school, I can hardly stand it. Basically I have 4 tests, a paper due, and a presentation...need I say more?
I am excited and anxious for my trip next week. It should be intersting and fun to travel with Matt. I have been to Boston a bunch of times, but every time is different, and fun.
Hmm...what else? I'm still working out, and supposedly still losing weight. I got a new scale which was depressing. What's the deal with every single freaking scale being off like 3 lbs from each other. All of a sudden yesterday, from stepping from one scale to the other, I gained 4 lbs...and lost some confidence! :( Oh well. When Amie and I went shopping the other day, I fit into jeans/pants sizes I hadn't in years! That made me feel like all the work was worth it. I've been doing "Fit in 402" for over a month now, and am craving exercise now. I love that feeling.
Anyway, it's time to get ready for my presentation and stuff.
I'll try and post before I go on my trip...we'll see if that works out!